Monday 7 January 2008

Desire for more...... inability to gain it

For those that know me well, I have a newly found hobby that I've been participating since April. Its called Airsofting (I might have mentioned this). The basic concept is very simple: you run around, pretending to be a soldier with toys that look like real guns, and shoot drastic amounts of plastic at one another. No matter what your perceptions of this might be, its safe, fun, active and fulfilling. My fitness has increased because of it (although various injuries have been sustained) and its a good day out with friends. The downside is that it can be expensive...... very expensive. To put it into context, all of my AEG's (Automatic Electric Gun - Powered by batteries, which powers a motor and gears to help project the bb's out of the gun) come to a combined total cost of £910, not including postage ans packaging. The Gas BlowBack pistols (Uses gas to reload the gun, via the magazine) comes to £180, and the cheap, nasty, glorified club I call my Spring action M-16, well that was about £60. Total: £1150..... not cheap!

The bulk of that cost has just been bared on my bank account, with me buying 4 guns at a cost of £560. This is a lot of money, considering Christmas has just past, but this will keep me happy..... till I can get another gun that I've been crazing over for a while. This is a fair pattern of my life. I seem to be unable to get what I want,of which its the thing I most want. But when I go for it, I seem to pay a high price, of such I barely recover. this is mostly true with everything in my life: girls, guns, models, cars, anything I might wish for. But bearing this normally leaves me with a pain that I have tried to fill on many occasions and just about filled it, but the substance I've used has been substandard and has just caused later pain.

As I said, this desire to gain what I can't have, extends to girls, and I fear, this will be true for sometime until I stumble across someone that actually wants me, rather than the other way round. It will happen, but this is also a desire I hope will happen..... but it won't! But I'll try! I currently have a plan to see where I can go with a girl I like. Its a good plan, but its a plan I have made in pursuit of someone so therefore it is doomed to failure. This girl is someone I met whilst being absolutely trollied and was dumped next to her by my friend. He brought me into his group, but I only knew him, and not the rest. I left that evening, fucked, with one name from the entire group, and she has been the sole reason for my return to this group, and then becoming an integral member of the group (or at least I hope I am that close with the group).

Now, as stated oh so many times in my blogs on Myspace (this is being duel posted), I have no luck with girls, so I fear my cunning plan will fail, but I can only try. That's what I plan to do this year. 2008 will be the year I try. I will try to be in a relationship before the years end, I'll try to live in a place of my own, I'll try to learn Russian, I'll try to be the best friend I can to all of my friends. If I don't, then the chance or opportunity might be missed, or the advantage of having these factors on my side might be lost or cause unforeseen issues in the future. But I want to. I want to make this the best year yet. I want to mark a quarter of a century with something that will stand out so much, I'll take it with me till I die. And I want this year to be one that I'll be remembered for.

My aim is clear, and the shot is good, I just need to take it. But I fear the normal things will happen: Failure. Everything I just said goes tits up and nothing goes right. And fear is the key to everything about me. Its not what I don't fear like death or certain people that might have it in for me. I fear failure and that's something I need to overcome if this year is to be the year.

So, I say to you all, who read this: Set aside your fear, be brave, and we'll all get through what we want, wish and hope for.

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