I try to be loyal to my friends. If they run into any trouble, I'll do what I can to help them out, regardless of personal cost or safety. Its what I do, and I'll probably keep doing it till something stops me permanently. It's what I do, and what I appear to be best at doing. it seems to be the best thing I'm good at, so, as the saying goes, if you're good at it, do it! Having a split personality though, can have its drawbacks, given this level of commitment to ones friends. I think I mentioned before (on Myspace.... dual posting now, remember!!) that I have a split personality. Although I'm me, if I get myself in a muddle, or I fuck up, or I get tasked with something that I need to perform, but don't, then the other side of my head kicks in, as it did tonight. Fox is the rational, logical, sensible, blunt, honest, problem-solver in my head. He's been there years, but only named him a few years ago, when he helped me through some rough times. He now sits in the background, where he likes to be, and comes into his own when it all goes tits up!!!
Now, we all hear voices in out head. or at least I do. I'm not a fruitcake, but I'm not exactly sane either. And, having done the things I shouldn't have done in the past, and having a voice inside my head say "why did you do that?", and the way this voice acted, it felt like it had its own persona. and so naming it, seemed like a good thing, cause just saying the voices in my head said so, would make me sould even weirder than talking about myself in the 3rd person!! I called the voice fox, for its cunning knowledge in getting me out of a tight spot, its ruthlessness, its honesty and its bluntness. these are characteristics that foxes have, so putting 2 and 2 together, it made sense!
And, tonight, everything that made Fox important, was tested to beyond his ability. I was tasked with watching a friend, who clearly had too much to drink, and needed a friend to keep an eye on her. I got given that task. And following specific information to watch this friend like a hawk, I tracked and observed her as best I could....... till I lost sight and didn't know where she went to. I paniced. I got myself into a rut that wound me up cause I don't like failure, and the info given was enough to make me worry. Fox took over straight away, and has only just backed down and calmed to the point where he can go back into the depths of my mind.
Fox saw that I was going into a rut, and did what he knows best, take over me, and direct me accordingly. Ensure that do what I need to do, and complete all tasks in front of me. Having lost, visually, my friend, and with the info I had, Fox started looking for her. Checked last known spots, home, and in the club where I'd escorted her into..... nothing. having called a couple of friends, informing of the situ, they just told me, she'll be fine, and not to worry about it. But I was worried, and Fox knew it. He disregarded the cries, and looked again. Success, I found her again, and I kept up my escort mission. Following the ejection from the club, I explained what had happened, and the reason why I went to such lengths. Although, thanking me for being concerned, she disapproved what I was doing, even ensuring that she made it to her front door safely. that went down a treat.
But, I was worried. Before I started to 'shadow' her, there appeared to be a heated conversation, where, following her walking up to me, she began to cry. Just for a moment, but enough for me to feel nervous enough to keep her safe. I'm not a 'mothering' like person ,but if people tell me to keep an eye out for someone, I do so and make sure, regardless of who they are, and if they can look after themselves or not, that they're safe. And I do it for all of my friends and relatives..... ALL of them! I've said before, I'll kill and be killed for my family, friends and the people that I care for, just to ensure their safety, and, although people say I shouldn't, I do, cause I'm good at it.
The people around me, they're the best thing I have. Fuck my guns, car, computer, or even money. As long as I have my friends and family, I'll be happy, and ensure that no harm comes to them if I know about it. This methodology is also shared by Fox, although not to the emotional state as me. Fox takes over, and all seems to go back to normal, albeit slightly changed. But I'll have calmed down, and all around will have settled, once objectives have been achieved. Once that happens, Fox, goes back into his hole,watching and waiting in case of more emergencies. Fox is my rock, my pilot that can steer me through tough times, but only so far. And with my commitment to help family and friends, they help the me through the rest of the shit, that Fox just can't get through.
Do I have a sort of moral for this? Well, make sure you don't isolate yourself from friends and family, cause they're the ones that help you through all.
(P.S.: Update on last blog. turns out, my issues were somewhat unfounded, and I'd just jumped to conclusions. I'm still pissed off, that I failed, but the reason that set me off, is now incorrect. I'd like to thank the 2 people that responded and spoke to me to try and help. its greatly appreciated that you bothered.)
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