Sunday 27 January 2008

Flying 'top cover' for friends

I try to be loyal to my friends. If they run into any trouble, I'll do what I can to help them out, regardless of personal cost or safety. Its what I do, and I'll probably keep doing it till something stops me permanently. It's what I do, and what I appear to be best at doing. it seems to be the best thing I'm good at, so, as the saying goes, if you're good at it, do it! Having a split personality though, can have its drawbacks, given this level of commitment to ones friends. I think I mentioned before (on Myspace.... dual posting now, remember!!) that I have a split personality. Although I'm me, if I get myself in a muddle, or I fuck up, or I get tasked with something that I need to perform, but don't, then the other side of my head kicks in, as it did tonight. Fox is the rational, logical, sensible, blunt, honest, problem-solver in my head. He's been there years, but only named him a few years ago, when he helped me through some rough times. He now sits in the background, where he likes to be, and comes into his own when it all goes tits up!!!

Now, we all hear voices in out head. or at least I do. I'm not a fruitcake, but I'm not exactly sane either. And, having done the things I shouldn't have done in the past, and having a voice inside my head say "why did you do that?", and the way this voice acted, it felt like it had its own persona. and so naming it, seemed like a good thing, cause just saying the voices in my head said so, would make me sould even weirder than talking about myself in the 3rd person!! I called the voice fox, for its cunning knowledge in getting me out of a tight spot, its ruthlessness, its honesty and its bluntness. these are characteristics that foxes have, so putting 2 and 2 together, it made sense!

And, tonight, everything that made Fox important, was tested to beyond his ability. I was tasked with watching a friend, who clearly had too much to drink, and needed a friend to keep an eye on her. I got given that task. And following specific information to watch this friend like a hawk, I tracked and observed her as best I could....... till I lost sight and didn't know where she went to. I paniced. I got myself into a rut that wound me up cause I don't like failure, and the info given was enough to make me worry. Fox took over straight away, and has only just backed down and calmed to the point where he can go back into the depths of my mind.

Fox saw that I was going into a rut, and did what he knows best, take over me, and direct me accordingly. Ensure that do what I need to do, and complete all tasks in front of me. Having lost, visually, my friend, and with the info I had, Fox started looking for her. Checked last known spots, home, and in the club where I'd escorted her into..... nothing. having called a couple of friends, informing of the situ, they just told me, she'll be fine, and not to worry about it. But I was worried, and Fox knew it. He disregarded the cries, and looked again. Success, I found her again, and I kept up my escort mission. Following the ejection from the club, I explained what had happened, and the reason why I went to such lengths. Although, thanking me for being concerned, she disapproved what I was doing, even ensuring that she made it to her front door safely. that went down a treat.

But, I was worried. Before I started to 'shadow' her, there appeared to be a heated conversation, where, following her walking up to me, she began to cry. Just for a moment, but enough for me to feel nervous enough to keep her safe. I'm not a 'mothering' like person ,but if people tell me to keep an eye out for someone, I do so and make sure, regardless of who they are, and if they can look after themselves or not, that they're safe. And I do it for all of my friends and relatives..... ALL of them! I've said before, I'll kill and be killed for my family, friends and the people that I care for, just to ensure their safety, and, although people say I shouldn't, I do, cause I'm good at it.

The people around me, they're the best thing I have. Fuck my guns, car, computer, or even money. As long as I have my friends and family, I'll be happy, and ensure that no harm comes to them if I know about it. This methodology is also shared by Fox, although not to the emotional state as me. Fox takes over, and all seems to go back to normal, albeit slightly changed. But I'll have calmed down, and all around will have settled, once objectives have been achieved.
Once that happens, Fox, goes back into his hole,watching and waiting in case of more emergencies. Fox is my rock, my pilot that can steer me through tough times, but only so far. And with my commitment to help family and friends, they help the me through the rest of the shit, that Fox just can't get through.

Do I have a sort of moral for this? Well, make sure you don't isolate yourself from friends and family, cause they're the ones that help you through all.

(P.S.: Update on last blog. turns out, my issues were somewhat unfounded, and I'd just jumped to conclusions. I'm still pissed off, that I failed, but the reason that set me off, is now incorrect. I'd like to thank the 2 people that responded and spoke to me to try and help. its greatly appreciated that you bothered.)

Monday 21 January 2008

I give up!!

It appears that my lot in life is to be single. Why, I have no idea. Yes, I know I keep going on about my love life through these blogs, and yes, its getting repetative, but the same shit just keeps happening. I get turned down, time and time again and its now gotten to the stage where I think "Fuck it, I'm gonna be a monk!" Thats how far its gotten to, and and regardless of what I do, it ain't gonna get better I fear. My friends help me, and try to pick my spirits, and I fully appriciate the support they give me, I really do. But no matter what they try, it won't cure the hurt I now feel now.

so, sitrep as to whats happened. The cunning plan I was referring to on the following blog:
Desire for more...... inability to gain it - Well, it didn't work (as I suspected). I did what I intended to do, and it wasn't a fuck up as I feared, but the failure in the response was not befitting the effort. But events tonight have caused me to wonder, if I should have even gone to the effort of being part of the group I now hold dear to me! Basically, having been turned down, I attented a birthday gathering of the intended target, but it appears her sites may have been set on someone else...... and he's a wanker! Its not that I don't like him.... he just feels smarmy, slimey, just someone trying to act his age, but coming across as snooty.

But, its not for me to say about a friend's choice in blokes. It just feels like a kick in the bollocks that I have been turned down for that. Admittedly, I've met her ex, and he's an even worse arsehole. I nearly hit that prick on Friday cause he was being one! So, I sort of know what type of guys she aims for, but to see who you probably have lost out to, it just doesn't sit well, and after about 5 minutes of being at this rathering at the pub, I bugged out and went home. I don;t like to embarass myself, but I might have done, and I would really look like the dickhead then!! Disgression is something I do well, when needed, and every ounce of my being was called to show it tonight. I just gritted my teeth, finished my pint, and Foxtrot Oscared out of there.

So, what am I to do? Really, I have no idea and I'm at a loss. I'm gonna put a bulletin up on myspace and ask for help, but I doubt that will give me any answers. I really don't know where to go, after this setback, and this wasn't anything major, this was a simple probe to see where I stood. She was the whole reason why I spent my time with them, and the objective has gone!

Have Fun.... cause I ain't!

Tuesday 15 January 2008

In other news, the law......

I, as many of us try to be, am a law abiding citizen. Yes, I do speed when driving, but only cause I like to, and to get to my destination a bit quicker. I don't do 100mph+ speeds, just 70 odd in a 60 for example. But this is the only exception, and I've not been caught yet!! I suppose someof the songs, films and TV shows I've gained via streaming on the net, that I've later saved on my computer could be classed as illegal downloads, but when I watch them, they get saved onto my computer anyway....... its like giving it to me for free!!! When it comes to illegally downloading stuff, it should be the people posting the stuff up that need to be targeted, not the people obtaining it. But thats something I have no control over.

On the whole though, I don't do anything illegal, nor have I attempted to do anything of that nature. I've never taken drugs, Shoplifted/pickpocketed, assaulted anyone (yet, there is a list!) or caused criminal damage knowingly. This clean record came as a great help when I got a job working for the home office....... ironically, watching people convicted of the above offences and more! It helps even now, with my current employers refusing to allow people with criminal records to work for them. And because I've been a good boy, in the eyes of the law, I'm more employable and and can obtain greater perks. Having a clean record makes my registration on a Database to buy BB guns look good and should give me a good chance to obtain a firearms licence to buy air rifles, seeming as the government deem all airsoft guns that fire over 1 joule of energy, an air rifle.

As mentioned previously, I have taken up this airsofting malark, and just made a large purchase of guns. this was made possible by my registration onto a database thats cross-referenced with all suppliers. But, there are some people that are still selling cheap and nasty, spring action pistols, like what you'd get from a seaside resort fun shop. Now, since the 1st October 2007, all BB guns are classed as Realistic Imitation Firearms (RIF), and MUST be sold by licenced suppliers, and all RIF's must be used on a private site thats registered for that purpose. So imagine my horror when I heard that a group of kids with said cheap and nasty guns, are running around a large, public woodland near the centre of Norwich!

Filmed at Mousehold Heath, near HMP Norwich (of all places), and posted on Youtube, this footage contained the group, doing what my and my friends do, but in a public area for all to see. More shockingly, the police didn't respond to the incident, which would have led to the deployment of the Police Astra (the one car, driven by, I think, the only Armed officers (so 4) Norfolk have!!) and would have caused a major incident. The local paper caught wind of this and made it a big story. As an airsofter, this incident is bad. My new found sport is already viewed with suspicion and various anti-gun nuts want it banned cause they feel it promotes a gun culture and glamorises the use of a gun!! No, we try to play soldier and act accordingly, not portray it with semi-naked girls and talking about them, and being in a gang and taking a rival gang out with them........ we leave that to rap music!!

But, this is the thing, the government have tried so hard to ban guns, or gun-looking things (although British police did shoot a guy with a table leg under his arm......... I don't often see tables with legs that look like AK47s yet!!), but the gun problem in this country is still high, and the deaths to such crimes are still happening. They also don't seem to be able to stop the flow of illegal firearms into the country, but have come down hard on the import of RIF's cause they look like guns!! The government nearly killed the sport because the original rules for the VCRA (Violent Crimes Reduction Act, brought in on October 1st as a knee-jerk reaction to high-profile deaths on Britain's streets), but thanks to a bit of lobbying, those plans were laxed......... but they could come down harder again, if more incidents like on Mousehold Heath continue to make headlines.

The incident is illegal, even if those kids didn't know it or not. and could have left a great number of people in the UK, very angry and without a weekend activity that they/we all love to participate in. Yes, I know if I wanted to run around with guns and shoot people, I should have joined the Army, but thats not the point (Military forces use similar methods like airsofting as a training tool!!). this is a hobby, a sport (cause if darts and fishing is a sport, then so is this) that well over half a million people in the UK enjoy. And to have it taken away by stupid, foolish kids with no sense of public safety, and no thought for their own safety cause of armed police officers, is wrong. Its like having all football, pro games or a kickabout in the park, taken away cause of the hooligan crisis in the 80's.

So, after another rant, what am I going on about!! Well, think before you act would be the obvious one. Basically because your actions may cause unforeseen consequences that could affect others unfairly. but thats too easy. Instead: Don't take a fucking BB gun to a public park and think you can have a mock gun battle, without being really shot at by police!!!!

Have Fun...... and lets hope the rain goes away.

Monday 7 January 2008

Desire for more...... inability to gain it

For those that know me well, I have a newly found hobby that I've been participating since April. Its called Airsofting (I might have mentioned this). The basic concept is very simple: you run around, pretending to be a soldier with toys that look like real guns, and shoot drastic amounts of plastic at one another. No matter what your perceptions of this might be, its safe, fun, active and fulfilling. My fitness has increased because of it (although various injuries have been sustained) and its a good day out with friends. The downside is that it can be expensive...... very expensive. To put it into context, all of my AEG's (Automatic Electric Gun - Powered by batteries, which powers a motor and gears to help project the bb's out of the gun) come to a combined total cost of £910, not including postage ans packaging. The Gas BlowBack pistols (Uses gas to reload the gun, via the magazine) comes to £180, and the cheap, nasty, glorified club I call my Spring action M-16, well that was about £60. Total: £1150..... not cheap!

The bulk of that cost has just been bared on my bank account, with me buying 4 guns at a cost of £560. This is a lot of money, considering Christmas has just past, but this will keep me happy..... till I can get another gun that I've been crazing over for a while. This is a fair pattern of my life. I seem to be unable to get what I want,of which its the thing I most want. But when I go for it, I seem to pay a high price, of such I barely recover. this is mostly true with everything in my life: girls, guns, models, cars, anything I might wish for. But bearing this normally leaves me with a pain that I have tried to fill on many occasions and just about filled it, but the substance I've used has been substandard and has just caused later pain.

As I said, this desire to gain what I can't have, extends to girls, and I fear, this will be true for sometime until I stumble across someone that actually wants me, rather than the other way round. It will happen, but this is also a desire I hope will happen..... but it won't! But I'll try! I currently have a plan to see where I can go with a girl I like. Its a good plan, but its a plan I have made in pursuit of someone so therefore it is doomed to failure. This girl is someone I met whilst being absolutely trollied and was dumped next to her by my friend. He brought me into his group, but I only knew him, and not the rest. I left that evening, fucked, with one name from the entire group, and she has been the sole reason for my return to this group, and then becoming an integral member of the group (or at least I hope I am that close with the group).

Now, as stated oh so many times in my blogs on Myspace (this is being duel posted), I have no luck with girls, so I fear my cunning plan will fail, but I can only try. That's what I plan to do this year. 2008 will be the year I try. I will try to be in a relationship before the years end, I'll try to live in a place of my own, I'll try to learn Russian, I'll try to be the best friend I can to all of my friends. If I don't, then the chance or opportunity might be missed, or the advantage of having these factors on my side might be lost or cause unforeseen issues in the future. But I want to. I want to make this the best year yet. I want to mark a quarter of a century with something that will stand out so much, I'll take it with me till I die. And I want this year to be one that I'll be remembered for.

My aim is clear, and the shot is good, I just need to take it. But I fear the normal things will happen: Failure. Everything I just said goes tits up and nothing goes right. And fear is the key to everything about me. Its not what I don't fear like death or certain people that might have it in for me. I fear failure and that's something I need to overcome if this year is to be the year.

So, I say to you all, who read this: Set aside your fear, be brave, and we'll all get through what we want, wish and hope for.