Monday 31 December 2007

End of......

So, another year draws to a close. I become older, fatter, more bitter about certain things, more capable in others; and after alls said and done, I feel like I'm not quite on top... or am I? In the pursuit of trying to improve ones self (cause nobodies perfect..... regardless of what they say!), I always try to beat the year I had, by weighing up where I am now, to where I was at the start of the year. This might sound easy, but its not. A constant strive to even equal the previous year is hard enough, and over the last few years of my life, that has barely been achievable with certain things like cars, work, girls and jobs.

So, what have been the positives of this year? Well, Chelsea won 2 trophies; I'm in a new job; I have a new and expensive hobby, playing around with guns!; my social life seems to be on the up (and that can only be a good thing...... it I cock it up!); I don't have a bank loan to pay; I haven't tried to kill a car; I'm fitter and stronger than I ever have been in 4 years. All these things are good, but don't quite outweigh the biggest positive I've had this year: I've not had a bad September. If you've read my blogs on Myspace (there's one specifically about bad Septembers; if not, go read it) or know me in any way, shape or form, you'll know I suffer from bad Septembers that seem to blight the year almost as bad as the death of a loved one!! (Please don't take offence if you have lost a loved one. I know for a fact its not nice). The lack of a bad September has been the bright mark upon this year for me. And then there's that little issue of me growing my beard and then shaving it off cause by nephew, Jake, was born.

However, life has its ups and its downs, and this year hasn't go off smoothly at all. the issues of working for the shytehole called its4me and the ensuing stress the bastards put me through; silly, immature, little girls launching a campaign to isolate me from all my friends; Chelsea not winning the league (but winning the FA and League cup out did that); not being allowed to go to the Waddington Airshow (of all things) and seeing the Indian Air Force Su-30 fighter planes (its not like it was the first time the Indians had been to the UK of an exercise in 50 years!), which was caused by the worst summer weather I've ever known. These things have managed to cause stress and made me feel angry and bitter towards many things and people, some of whom, will not be forgiven and will die by my hands! No joke, I will kill them. the pain those induhviduals (that's a deliberate mistake - you'll get it if you're a Scott Adams/Dilbert fan) have caused me over the last year, is enough for me to seek vengeance in their lives. I don't care of the blood I would spill and the hate from others that they would bestow on me. They caused me unbearable stress and pain, and I merely wish to repay them and then some! But, enough of vendettas, at the end of the day, I'm not gonna have the opportunity to do the things I would plan to do to them, so no one needn't worry.

In a year, in which many things have happened, good people have been lost, evil people haven't been removed yet, and Labour are STILL in power (God help them come the next Election), will I call this a good year, or a bad year. Personally I haven't made my decision. Not because I can't decide, but I prefer to do that final analysis in private and I really haven't got round to doing that yet. But, the evidence would say yes, it has been a good year. But was it better than last year? This info I can share, and that it is a big YES!! The positives outweigh the negatives and I've done many things and achieved many goals, I either couldn't do, or wasn't able to do last year, that I can do now!

So, what am I getting on about? Well, simple really, and if you a really easy, simple and potentially achievable New Years resolution, well, here it is: Try to do better than last year. Even by doing something new, or meeting new people, or trying to better yourself at something you do well already. If you can better last year, that always mean its been a better year. happy New year, to all 6 billion of you (apart from the people I wish to kill) and I hope you make it a good year as well.

Saturday 29 December 2007

So this is Christmas? (Posted on Myspace 24/12/07)

I sit here, writing this blog, having just managed to overcome the onset of a panic attack! I previously stated that I'm not a fan of crowds, and having my local packed to beyond capacity, was, shall we say, nerve racking. I spent the better part of 2 hours, figuring out ways to get out, and increasingly became 'ratty' with people and the environment. I don't know what the official name is for the phobia for crowds is, but I have it. Still, this is the season to be merry, but having looked at everything, what the fuck is there to be merry about? I mean, why should I feel happy, when there's really nothing to be happy about?

Now, you might think (this is under the assumption that people read this!), why should you say that? you are alive, have a roof over your head, have a good job, and have friends and family that care for you. And as much as this is true, I somehow feel hollow because I'm not completely where I want to be, and the world, as a whole, is not at equilibrium. people are dying for no good reason; there's people straving, homeless, cold, abused, unable to live a 'normal' life, all due to various reasons that we may or may not understand. whether it be due to culture, or things that have happened in that persons past to put themselves into that situ, or whatever, there ARE PEOPLE, still in this day in age, that go live a life that they should not.

I'll freely admit, I don't contribute to help this people (But I am a hippocrite, so I'll say one thing and do another), but thats not cause I don't want to. Nor is it cause I don't care. The reason is cause its not my place to. I have no real power in this world to affect the outcome of anything, litteraly, on my own, I can do NOTHING. A large group can earn a voice, which might be heard after some time, and TV and add immediate impact, but I don't help because, regardless what I see on Comic Relief and Children in Need, I feel my money does nothing. The whole Western Wrold is build on power by the richest over the poorest, and that mindset is something that hase been created, refined and executed over 2, maybe even over 3 hundred years. One voice cannot change that. No matter what the charities tell you.

So, what can be done? I haven't come up with a plan about that yet. As much as I like to problem solve, this is one that I can't come up with. I can't save the world, but I can chiop at a small piece of it, to make me feel better. This is why I've helped a friend, set up, conduct and execute 2 op's for another friend to wish her a happy christmas, and show how much we all care for her. Over the last few months, I've been hanging out with my friend Sam (TAOW, one of my top friends). I've known him from LAN, and more recently, through having to use the X-56 bus route to work when I thought is was fun to battle witrh a volvo, using my Astra! A few months ago, I got utterly fucked hanging out with another friend, and was, quite simply, abandomed with Sam, and his friends at my local.

Drunk, slightly confused and with no idea what was happening (I don't remember about 2 hours of that night), I met a group of people that, having got to know them, are fantastic, and have brought me out of my shell more that I could have imagined. To figure out what happened, I got to know these people (Dan, Claire, Tommy, Dan, Chance (her real name, I can't spell); these are the main group I have come to know, there are others, but most are either zombies (see previous blog) or I don't overly like that much). Sam is quite clearly the lynchpin of this gang. No question of it. He gets the balls moving, and keeps this machine, well oiled. And he is a fantastic friend to have, cause he'll do what it takes to get the job done, and enjoy it. But the op's have not been for him, they've been for Chance!

Chance is the oldest of the group, at 29/30 (age, not sure) and she works her cotton socks off, and is a great laugh. Plus she's an Ex-combat medic and plays rugby (you can see why I like her ). but, she has suffered her lot in life. I know very few details, and what I know, I won't go into cause its something I cannot talk about, but she deserves the love this gang gives out, every ounce of it. And seeing the way they care for chance, makes me smile inside. And her company is always wanted, every time we all go down the pub. So, any gift we can give her, the guys try to make it special. And now they have me to help!! you might be able to see where this is going!

I can think my way out of any problem, regardless of the situ. Its what I do, and I love doing those things. Sam had planned a 'food parcel for Chance (Having just sorted her flat out, and buying a Mancoon cat (pass!) she said she barely has enough to go on..... so Sam planned this package) as a Christmas present, but clearly had not thought on how to get the package into Chances Flat. Que me!! I came up with a really good plan that had to work. It was to get her down the pub, me and sam make excuses to duck out, and slip the package into the kitchen of her flat (cause of Chances job, Sam has keys to get into her flat to feed Chances pets). We would then get chance back into the flat and surprise her with the gift. the first half was going well. Having woken Chance up, me and sam got her dopwn the pub, them ducked out as planned. But upon our return (separated of course, it would have looked dodgy otherwise) the whole thing nearly fell apart!

chance had just got back from the loo after I returned, and came out with "I need to go home and put some makeup on"! FUCK!!!!! The whole plan could have been deep six'ed if she went home. I tried to charm her and so did Sam, by saying she looked lovely anyway. But this did not work, so I had to flex the plan a bit. Claire was stood by me so I told her to go with chance but to keep her away from the kitchen at all costs. Chance didn't see me say this, but I had to tell Claire to do this or it would have all gone to pot. The girls went back to the flat, andwe knew the timing had to be just right. Sam and I, gathered the troops and began to move out to make this surprise, but someone had bugged out. Aiden had gone to sort something out and nearly didn't get back in time. Me, Sam, Tommy and dan got to the flat, Sam opened the door and we got Claire to stall chance, while sam and I set the surprise up. Aiden showed up just in time, and the action was about to begin. tommy blocked the door till we had set up and then we let her in. Me and sam held a large box, full of wine, dog and cat food, crisps and snack food, mouth wash (?) and a couple of other bits, all for chance. And when she walked through the door, she was stunned. seriously, she just couldn't get her head round it all. Sam did all the talking, but words were almost unecessary.

Chance, simply, could not believe that, not only had we infiltrated her flat without her knowing and got this package in, but that we went to these length just for her. I've only known her a couple of months, but she deserved it. And those guys don't know how much I appreciate how much they've shown just to me, letting me into their social circle, and intergrating with me. But the way they all care for Chance, its beyond friendship. I don't know the word, but the level is barely reachable. the care, compassion and love they show for Chance makes me feel warm inside, and in all honnesty, I don't know the buggers! Once Chance regained speech, she could not thank us enough, and the gang had a picture taken of us together.
the Photo - Please look (From right to left: Tommy, Sam, Dan, Claire, Aiden, Me, Chance) I did try to take a pic before this, but that was shyte.... nuff said really. We all went down the pub, and drank some more but be had more in store for chance!

Earlier that night, having gained the plan, I asked Dad if he could whip up the picture, so we could present it to Chance. I explained one or two things and he was more than happy to help...... which is quite rare for Dad! I got the file from Sam and let Dad to all the work. the pic you see is what was taken, but Dad being an amature photographer and access to Photoshop, he went to town. the finished article was sorted and printed, and part 2 of Chances surprise could now begin. I got the photo to Sams, and finding out she was round a friends, out of town, me and Sam, again, slipped into her flat. We placed the wrapped picture on her coffee table and moved the coffee table into the centre of the room. Chance can be a bit dippy, apparently (I've not noticed) and Sam thought she might not notice where we put it. After we moved the coffee table, Sam came out with "If she misses that, she must be dumb!". I turned out and said "No, if she misses that, she'll break her leg! Its in the middle of the room, the coffee table".

Unfortunately, Me and Sam were unable to see the aftermarth, but further comms with Chance via text, showed that she was happy, although slightly narked by thye fact that we infiltrated her flat twice, without her knowning!! Following these activities, mum and dad think I might be up to no good (ME!?!?!), but I told them of the situ. To be a part of this, has been the highlight of the year for me. Without question. I've changed jobs, gained a new hobby, made new friends and done things that I've not done before. but this single act of compassion and love for chance has made up for all of the shyte I've gone through this year with jobs, lovelfe and stupid little girls (that I wished I'd accidentally shot, whilst airsofting on sunday ) that have caused too much crap. To do such acts for people THAT DO DESERVE the love of friends, they are the acts that will always stay with you forever and make you feel good about yourself.

So, what conclusion will this fat bloke come up with tonight? Well, as I said, one voice can't change the world, nor will a large group...... unless you're very lucky. But, instead, aim for your frineds instead. If the world won't chance the way you want it to when you try, try to help chance the world for a friend that needs, and derserves your help instead. you'll feel just as good, if not better cause you will see the effect of your compassion every day in that person's eyes. And deep down, you'll know that you did it, and it'll make you feel just as good.